I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize