Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
only you would photoshop your dick
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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