My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
