rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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