I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
