When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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