a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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