It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
