So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
