i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
