You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
