I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
pray to the hookup gods
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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