You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
