I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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