I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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