my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
