Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
