Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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