the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
