WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
