If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
