When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
