Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Girls should come with a carfax report
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
