How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
