I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
