My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
