guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
