that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
