I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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