i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
