he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize