shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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