The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
