Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
