It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
