ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize