My friends, they love my intelligence
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
foreskin is a definite game changer
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
