I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
