is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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