my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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