I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
