I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
