Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
