Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
