I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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