just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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