when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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