I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
