so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
