He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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