Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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