Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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