I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
