First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
