So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
