i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
