i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
