I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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