I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
