just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
PANTIES FOUND
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