I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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