i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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