why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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