when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
