well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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