dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
