wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
