Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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